Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
