I wish I could teleport
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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