were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
