Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
