..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
