She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
