last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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