Just fell off a train. Bad.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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