What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
