shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I puked a lego.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Are my feet made of real feet?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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