I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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