My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
