just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
