I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
