I think I won the penis lottery.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
