Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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