Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
