I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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