Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
