It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just want nice things and good sex
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Terrible idea I love it
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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