tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
