i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
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