Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
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you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
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WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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