Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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