Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
