I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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