Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
