checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
