I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
