:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
