Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
