Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I fill condoms, not promises.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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