The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
