if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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