Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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