Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
