when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
