First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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