Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
