I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
