just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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