Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?