You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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