dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
