Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
