i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
