Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
