At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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