I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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