so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
