I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
We need to rekindle our bromance
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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