hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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