Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
