If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
