I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
