I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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