we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
