I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
